Love Letters To The Faceless and Nameless
by obsessivelyfanaticgw09
Summary: Theres just something about standing in front of each other for the first time in all these years both faceless and nameless and hating each other and loving each other all at the same time and both of us simply at a loss for words that…just makes equal
1. Date?

**Love Letters to the Faceless and Nameless**

**New here? Welcome! But dang, you're behind! Go to my profile and check out part one, Love Letters to My Unborn Child first!**

**Oh dear oh dear oh dear! Sorry to all! I swear, I went to post this last Tuesday and my laptop decided to go outdawack and it hardly works anymore =( I'm currently working from my dads laptop, anyway…my biggest apologies! Pray for my dying laptop please! DX**  
><strong>But, moving on!<strong>

**Yozah! Here we are in part four!**

**Can I just say one thing? I love you guys as reviewers. You're reviews are always so long and complex! Not saying that a "good job" isn't appreciated, but the way you leave me paragraphs is awesome! It really makes me feel loved by my readers **

**Bellatrix Nellie Le-Lovett - Ah yes! What a wonderful review! Thank you love. I'm glad that you're watching and loving Doctor Who! (I could go on for hours about it, so instead, I'll just message you, sound fair? XD) I'm glad you liked the last chapter so much =)**

**Sheila Chiaroscura - And another wonderful review! Glad you liked. As an actress and a writer, it's a great compliment for me for you to say that my character is complex! Much love!**

**Maxine the unknowingly admired - Well here you are then!**

**Burma - Oh jeese! I'm glad you read way too deeply into the stories! Glad you stuck around until Toby and Sweeney! Hope you're as excited as me!**

**WHOAWHOOOOO!**

**Special award to all my reviewers who ever reviewed Love Letters to Remember on account of I GOT 61 REVIEWS! That's one whole more review then Love Letters to My Unborn Child!**

**I swear you guys, I never though I could beat 60, but you just barely did it! XD Haha, thanks! Love you guys!**

**Love Letters to the Faceless and Nameless**

**Ella's POV**

**Chapter one**

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><p>Date? I hardly know anymore…<p>

I had been walking past that shop for…I can't even count how long…hours? Days? Years? Not years…I can't possibly be that old…now can I?

I can't say what made me finally want to step inside…besides the fact that it was poring rain and I was utterly soaked. And I was tiered of being so!

_Three years _

That's a long time to be wet, cold, and lonely.

Didn't feel that long. You're face was still fresh in my mind, your love still fresh in my heart, your doings were still fresh in my clenching and unclenching fists. But I didn't hate you anymore.

Three years.

That's a long time. And after so many nights alone and so many nights feeling like you're in a living Hell, even someone who you used to think was your Hell becomes your Heaven.

So Heaven is just sitting there in front of me.

And the "shut" sign is in the door, but it's poring rain on my bundle of hair that I haven't brushed for three years and I long to feel the burning candles indoors on my face, warming me and drying me.

So I knock.

Three times.

One for each year of Hell.

And you answered.

You used to call me your angel.

But standing in the brilliant light coming from inside your pie shop through the threshold to splay over me, and me squinting into the brightness and shivering in the rain, you became my angel.

You didn't even ask any questions. You just grabbed my shoulders and dragged me inside, muttering something I couldn't hear over the pounding of the rain. You slammed the door with your foot and the bell on the back of it jingling like crazy even made me jump. Like it was a civilized noise that I hadn't heard for years - simply the slam of a door.

"Love what on earth are you doing in the rain!" your voice kept me from saying anything in response. I've longed for it for so long. I couldn't tell anymore if I was crying or if it was just the rain in my eyes. I hoped I was crying. I felt like I was slowly going mad and emotion like that - it meant I still had a grip on something or another.

"Sit! Come on now! Sit you down!" you pushed me down in the booth - I remember that much despite being in such a hazy state. Sleep deprivation, starvation, dehydration, depression…these things will do that to yah.

You said "I'll be back in two shakes…I'll fetch yah…" something or another…I can't recall. You ran through a red curtain to the right of where you had sat me and left me alone to look around the room.

Green…you liked green, eh? The color of sea-side-cottage-walls and fresh grass and the clean sea water when the sun shined off it just right. I still remember that stuff, despite not being around any of it for so long. These are the things I wish to see again.

It smelled of flour, a choking kind of smell I never particularly liked, but it made the room hot and enclosed… and I welcomed it.

Before I could get much more from my surroundings, you had rushed back in with layers of blankets and a drink. I took the glass, my hands and arms still shaking, You always told me to never take water from a stranger…but…what counts as a stranger anymore? Without asking anything of me you threw several of the sheets around my shoulders and tucked them around me, taking care and asking a few times if they were comfortable and if I needed anything else.

I shook my head several times. Finally I managed to raise the glass in my hand. My trembling swooshed the liquid around as I brought it to my lips.

I grimaced suddenly at the taste.

Not water.

"Oh sorry love…were yah expecting water? Used to getting gin for the boy I suppose…sorry there…" you took the glass with one of your sideways smiles and half-eye-squints that meant an apology. I've missed that.

After getting a proper glass of water for me, you pulled up a little stool that sat somewhere around the table I found myself leaning more and more against and studied me.

Running your brown eyes up and down me up and down me…could you see?

You didn't ask where I'd come from, or how'd I ended up here, or why I intruded in on your home or how long I was planning on staying…you just asked, "Whadda yah call yourself, love?"

Unfortunately, that was the worst question of them all.

I didn't answer. I traced the moist brim of my glass with my grubby fingers. I took another sip of water and tried to pretend I didn't hear.

"Love?" you asked, probably beginning to wonder if I was mute or my ears didn't work properly. "Wot is your name?

In all your letters you wrote to me, two words were often misspelled. Not always, but enough for me to notice. Especially when used in dialogue, "Yah" instead of "You" and "Wot" instead of "What" I found it foolish and naïve at first… but as the years went on, I found that was what you used to remind me. I used to be ashamed of my deep cockney accent. Now I embrace it and long to hear it.

It made your accented voice like music. I've always loved the sweet sound music, taking up your likings for it, I suppose. But since I left, the only music I could ever hear was when I sat on the steps of church's on Sunday mornings (they wouldn't let me in, thought I was only there to steal the money passed around in the shiny plates).

Your voice was the sound of the whole congregation singing in happiness.

My voice was the sound of the preacher droning on and on during a funeral.

I looked into your eyes, deep and wondering, and I muttered, "I haven't had a name for almost three years…"

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><p><strong>And it's started! Allons-y!<strong>

**Review for next week!**


	2. March21st

**Yay to my reviewers!**

**Bellatrix Nellie Le-Lovett - haha! our review madwe me smile a whole lot! I'm glad you freaked out! XD**

**Shelia Chiaroscura - Thanks! I'm glad you think that that was a goo start, I'll try to keep it up!**

**Burma - yes please stick around! And yes Allons-y in now my favorite word ever!**

**Here we go agai!**

**Enjoy!**

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><p><strong>March 21st<strong>

Sorry…fell asleep there last night. You let me sleep on the floor in your room. I'll tell you, that's the best night of sleep I've gotten in well over three years.

Right now you're…probably up early working in the shop. The sun is barely up and I will probably drift back to sleep but I wanted to jot down the rest of yesterdays happenings before I did. So you're up dark and early in the shop and I write _now _for…I question writing when your in the room because well…I might of stolen this notebook. Granted, I know where you keep your things. Notebooks are hidden under the bed in a little box, some notebook empty, others full. I am…was…never allowed under there. But last night I just felt the need to write. To see if I even still _could _after all those years of just occasionally scratching my real name into the mud on the ground with my fingernails. It's handy to know I still can. I opened the box and tried to ignore the notebook with writing on the cover. I was unsuccessful as my eyes floated over the words, (perhaps my excuse can be that I wanted to know if I could still read too).

_**Love letters to my unborn child**_

I felt a little pitch in my stomach.

That's as far as I'll be reading that.

…still makes my stomach leap to think about it…still makes me feel sick…

Going on though…

Will you be angry for me taking this empty notebook out from under your bed?

Well, I hope not, cause a little too late to take it back!

Where was I now?

Ah, yes…

Your deep and wondering eyes.

And as soon as I said that, you simply knew straight away, like…I had just taken off a masquerade mask that was hiding my face. Your eyes grew larger and larger with realization. Then they squinted and narrowed as if you thought that they were deceiving you.

_Her? After all these years? In _my _shop? It can't be…_

Your mouth hung open slightly in…shock….or confusion…or utter disbelief or perhaps not wanting to believe. Slowly from your barely parted lips, I heard it. Like the rush of wind that you sometimes hear whisper something just hardly audible. But I knew the one word,

_Ella_

I turned my head to the side.

That wasn't my name. I refused to be looked in the eye and called that. I tried to keep the hatred from my eyes…for some reason I still felt that pinch of hatred. That pinch of _you called me Ella for thirteen years and that wasn't even ever my bloody name. _

I was waiting for something in that tense moment. A scream, a laugh, arms suddenly and aggressively wrapped around me, a swift straitening of your kneeling legs and mad pacing around the shop…denial, acceptance, love, hatred…something? !

But nothing came.

Seconds came and past…I found myself wondering how long we could both just sit here…you sitting in that chair with your elbows on your knees, staring so intensely at me, me dreaming out the window and trying to entertain myself with the empty night.

Finally, "Why are you here?" Four words saying a million - _Why are you here? How did you find me? Did you intend to? Were you looking for me? Why did you come in? Do you need me? What's happened? It's been three years… - _your thoughts buzzing around so fast and so hastily that they didn't know what else to mutter out.

I looked back again to glance at thatgaze that hadn't left me…studying every inch. Older, more well-defined, dirty, skinny body of the girl you used to know, eh?

I didn't try to lie about it, "I've been passing the shop for about three months now…" Three months was my approximation. Could have been far more or far less…

"You've lived on the street…all three years?"

I nodded. No more response was needed.

"I thought _Mrs. Lovett's Meat Pies… _I wonder? I saw you…I knew…" I couldn't finish that thought that was halted between my lips…_I missed you._

"I knew it was you, Mu…" but I stopped myself…how in the world did I let that slip? I'm not sure…but I stopped myself…and you still sitting on that stool, up straight now, (as if you were in front of someone important?), your eyes darting around on the floor…thinking about something or another. Well…when I stopped myself you… closed your eyes harshly. As though my words were a bullet.

But…I mean it seriously…

"You know I can't call you Mum…" The slightest of nods from your closed posture - eyes closed, lips pressed together, arms crossed. Were you struggling to hold back the tears?

I was…

"I'm not sure if I want you calling me Ella…and I can't very well tell you my real name…you said never to tell you…that you never wanted to know…" my sentence was slow and spaced out, just wondering when you would cut in and say something…if anything at all.

At last, you did. "You read my letters?" as if you thought I never would…as if you thought that I had thrown them in the rain as soon as I took them.

"Read?" I laughed…one of those biter laughs. The only kind I've known for the longest time. "More like studied them day and night. They've been my Bible for the last three years…"

Silence again. I remember thinking - Silence - Hanging in the air like a dead body. You couldn't just ignore it, when it's silent, it bothers you like a dead body would. But what can you do about it? It's too late once you realize the awkward silence is there to do anything about it. Same with the body…I have strange thoughts like this. I sometimes think it's the little bit of you I have in me shinning through…I suppose I mean that as a compliment.

I took a deep breath…determined to raise the dead, "There's just something about standing in front of each other for the first time after all these years, both faceless and nameless and…hating each other and loving each other all at the same time…and both of us simply at a loss for words that…just makes us equal again…"

We both knew it was true.

Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, a hand through the red curtain. The figure behind became baffled at how the material moved in front of it and began to move widely. I almost laughed at the site…almost…

"Toby, love?" you muttered out, and you tried to hide the tears from your voice (being become much better at that over the years) but I could still hear the sting your body held right now.

Finally, the rest of the body followed the hand.

A boy, about my age, perhaps younger. Dingy brown hair, short for his age (if he was close to mine), groggy with sleep. Dark eyes, pale skin…like the lot of us.

That's all I cared to notice.

"Mum…I heard voices…"

You got up and walked over to him, careful to hold up his swaying body. "An old friend, lad. Why don't you head back to sleep, eh?"

A slight nod, a blink of his half-shut eyes, and a blank stare at me before you spun him around by his shoulders and pushed him back through the curtain.

You turned back to me and smiled, almost…embarrassed?

"He called you 'Mum'…" I noted. And then, my voice growing bitter with question, "You didn't steal him too, did yah?"

You didn't take it as a joke.

I didn't mean it as a joke.

"No…Toby…he uh…" you reached up and ran your hand through your hair. It was…different…I suddenly noticed. It wasn't a brown anymore. It was more auburn…more like the color…of mine…It was curled neater, loved more. So the rumors of how popular your shop was getting weren't just rumors? "Toby he…he just sort of fell into my lap," a shrug…and an innocent laugh. You took in a deep breath and blew it out, puffing up your cheeks, as if stalling. After letting it out slowly, you continued, "His guardian just disappeared one day…"

I didn't care. Not honestly. So I muttered out an "Oh…" and nodded.

And silence encircled us again. Feeling terribly awkward, I took another shifting eye sip of my water.

You were looking me over. Up and down. Left to right…my hair, my eyes, my face, my hands, my fingers. I didn't like it…I didn't like the pressure.

And suddenly, a smile curled on your lips. Left side, then right, slowly becoming a brilliant smile. I could feel you wanted to hug me…but you held back.

Was I happy for this? I can't be sure…

"Love?" you called me that a lot before…you bent down to my height and got close to my face, lowering your voice to a whisper now. I felt your warm breath on my cheeks. "I think it's time to make the place you've been passing for the past three months somewhat of a…" you stopped as if you were unsure to go on. "…a home." A pause and then, "Your home…"

You promised me a place to curl up on your hardwood bedroom floor, tons of extra quilts and such, you added, and you proceeded to give me a tour of the place.

The pie shop (back to your old trade), through the red curtain to the small hallway.

The two stair cases. Up to Mr. Todd's part of the building, "Don' be going up there," you explained "he wouldn't be liken that…" And down to the bake house. "Don't be going down there either…it's where I make the pies and…it's a bloody mess…quite literally…" was that a joke?

You paused before we passed through the door to the next room, "You know? Just forget I ever showed you this here passage, eh?" a joke. I giggled. It was almost a strange feeling, having not done it in so long!

I could just as well hear your pleased smile that spread across your face at the thought that you had made me happy as we walked through the creaking door to the next room.

"This be the parlor. New wallpaper you see! New furnishing. Business never better!"

Suddenly I noticed the boy you called Toby sleeping on the sofa. You must of heard my gasp.

"Oh don't mind him," your voice was loud. "In a drunken sleep, he is. Doubt he was even truly awake when he came out to us. Don't mind the fact that he won't remember you in the morning." With a smile and wink I could barely see in the candle-lit space, you turned around and walked to the other side of the room. I walked slowly, struggling to see the details of everything. I saw pictures barely in focus hanging everywhere. I know these locations. Pictures of the sea. Still longed to go back, eh?

You didn't notice my snoopings, "Gin does the trick!" you went on, "Learned that from the workhouse…" you giggled. Oh…the congregation sings more…how I've missed your laugh.

"Come on love!" you opened the only door out of the parlor. It also creaked loudly as we stepped across the threshold. "This is my bedroom…" you sighed. It wasn't much. A bed, a dressier, a wardrobe.

You searched relentlessly for a nightgown for me, finally finding one and tossing it on the bed. You promised to go get all the blankets I'd need to sleep comfortably and you left the room for me to change.

How grown up you seemed…I know it seems odd to say such a thing but…you weren't Mum anymore… the Mum that I wanted to be with more then I wanted to be with my friends my age. You were…I'm not sure, it's hard to put into words. Different…somehow.

While I changed clothing…I noticed something…and when you stepped back into the room and caught me staring, you were fast to cover it back up with that pink sheet that had fallen off of it.

That didn't stop me from muttering, "You kept the cradle?"

"To be perfectly clear…" you started, breathless and embarrassed, "It's not _your _cradle…it was meant for _her_…but…I simply don't know…I could never get rid of it…"

I wrote last nights entry by the dim candle light you left lit for me.

I wondered as I drifted to sleep what that cradle really said about you. Was it your desire to not forget about her? Or your desire to not forget about me?

I didn't put much thought into it before I drifted to sleep.

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><p><strong>There you are! AS you can probably tell by the late update, my computer is still not working so hot...sooooo...we'll see. <strong>

**Bye Bye!**

**Review!**


	3. March22nd

**My friends! ! ! Here I am! Know why know why? ? New laptop! ! ! ! Yesssssss! This one works! Yay! **

**Ok, on with it!**

**Sheila Chiaroscura - thanks! Happy you still like the way this is going. And really happy you liked the dead body part. I almost took that out! Thanks for favoriting! **

**Burma- oh your review made me laugh! And don't worry too much about reviewing late. I've made a habit to not read any reviews until usually a week later. **

**Bellatrix Nellie Le-Lovett- haha! So happy you're happy! And see above about late reviewing :P**

**Guess what? ! ? ! Here's Sweeney!**

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><p><strong>March 22nd<strong>

Yesterday you came in the bedroom around noon to find me finally awake and retching into a pail.

After a few minutes with you sitting next to me, holding my hair and rubbing the small of my back, I managed to sit up and mutter apologetically… "Hope that pail wasn't important…"

You smiled your soothing smile and muttered, "It can be cleaned. It was just used as a little extra water for sponging myself down after a hard days work…"

You left the room with the pail and came back a few minutes later to find me still sitting on the floor against the wall. You handed me a nice cool glass of water you had brought in.

"It's water, I'm positive this time!"

After a few sips and a confirmation that I felt much better now, you asked, "Do you need to stay in bed today love? Are you ill?" You reached up and felt my forehead. You frowned at the touch. It wasn't hot, so what was wrong?

I just shook my head and managed to mutter something about that it must be the fact that my shriveled stomach couldn't take the food that you had given me yesterday. I ate too much and it simply didn't agree.

You understood.

I'm sure that must be _part _of the reason…

After all of that, you spent about a half an hour scrambling though your wardrobe looking for a dress that was too small for you, eventually you found it. You said it was yours but I swear I've seen it before…I wonder vaguely if it was a dress you had made for me long ago and packed up when we both found it was made much too big. I suppose I _am_ taller now…and skinnier.

Speaking of which, this morning I took my first look at myself in the mirror since I left. Sure, I've seen my hallowing cheeks and darkening eyes in puddles and lakes and shop windows, but nothing vivid. Unfortunately, they were a kind testament to what I truly looked like. Hair longer and ratyer, eyes darker and seemingly permanently blood-shot, cheeks bony, arms and legs bony and useless for anything besides the basic things. Eyes sunken in, my tan sea skin-tone was non-existent now. I looked…hungry…I looked weak. I knew my body wasn't ready for what was coming. It wasn't strong enough.

And I had to look away because tears were circling the bottom of my eyes. I looked too pathetic.

After I dressed, you were quick to run me hastily through the daily schedule, even though it was well after noon. Dinner rush was over, and you were preparing for the super rush in a few hours.

The boy you call Toby was out in the small courtyard washing the tables and feeding the birds. He came in the shop eventually, where we sat chatting, eyeing me and asking who I was. You were right…he doesn't have the slightest recollection of last night…ha.

"She's just an old friend lad," Good way to get around not calling me by a name, eh? "She'll be staying here with us for a bit…alright?"

He reached for my hand and I…shyly and slowly… let him take it. Bending over and kissing it lightly, he whispered with a smile, "Well hello, Miss. Let me know if I can do anything fer yah, eh?"

And he strolled away.

I guess the blush on my cheeks was apparent.

I could hear the stifled laugh in your voice, "Haven't the slightest idea where that came from! Certainly didn't learn that from me!"

I was struggling so hard to hide the smile.

It wasn't that difficult, because suddenly, a new figure burst through the door from the courtyard.

At first impression, I thought it was some sort of imposter. What with his tense and threatening posture, his dark orbs of eyes, sunken in and menacing. His skin seemed even paler then my own malnourished self, and all I could think of was - oh god…run run run…

But you didn't bat an eye in his direction until he cleared his throat rather loudly and rudely.

"Oh…Ello Mr. T!" you smiled at him and I managed to settle back into my seat that I had subconsciously jumped out of.

The man…Mr. T…proceeded to stare daggers at you.

"Mrs. Lovett…where is my breakfast tray?" his voice was monotone and dry. Like he truly didn't care, but someone had pushed him down here to ask about the food. He didn't seem to give any notice to me.

"Sorry love, was takin' care of someone else for a change…Mr. Todd this is…an old friend…" you smiled and motioned to me.

He shifted his black eyes over to me for a moment and I grew tense under his gaze. He didn't seem to care much about who was causing the delay as he turned back to you and said quickly, "Do you have my tray?"

You smiled a growing-aggrevated smile that I remember getting a lot when I was child and mumbled to him, "Well no…I was making breakfast for someone who will actually eat it!"

Another flash of a smile at him.

Two glaring eyes back at you.

I pressed my lips together in an attempt to stifle a laugh at the entertaining scene. Hm…glad I'm getting some sense of humor back, I suppose.

He didn't respond to this remark, besides the maddening glower that you didn't seem to mind much. So you laughed lightly, picked up a pie you were working on, smirked, and said, almost mockingly it seemed, "Would you like a pie instead? ?"

He did nothing more but swiftly turn on his heal and leave the shop without another word.

You just shook your head. "Don' mind him, love. He's just being Mr. Todd…that's all," I couldn't exactly tell if you were saying that to me or yourself.

You continued to pound the dough for the pie you were working on, seeming more aggressively then you were before.

Feeling the awkward silent air settle in around us, I muttered to break it, "So…he fancy's you? ! ?"

You laughed, a bitter sad laugh and didn't look up as you muttered, "Oh goodness no…Mr. Todd's day doesn't often consist of me…it consists of pacing, reminiscing, plotting, sharpening his razors, and humming tones to music that only he hears," your eyes flickered over to meet my confused expression. Instead of explaining, you just continued.

"If he noticed I hadn't brought him food it wasn't because of an emptiness in his heart of even in his stomach…it was an emptiness on his dressier where the tray should be. If he was driven down here, it wasn't for fear that I had fallen down the stairs and injured my knee, or that I had somehow died in my sleep, or that I had been taken away in the dead of night…no it was for fear that I had slept in…that's all…trust me…"

"Oh…" you continued to press your eyes to the dough you were pounding extra hard. "But…" I was determined to not let us slip into that awkward silence again. "You fancy him, eh?" your hands stopped kneading the dough as I saw your eyebrow furrow, but you didn't look up at me…"Oh yes!" I went on with a smile, "I see it in your eyes! You have that same twinkle you used to have whenever you talked about my…uh…Benjamin…"

You did nothing more but look up and smile a sad smile.

That was all the confirmation I needed.

I'm not sure if I can say you're in wonderful company.

Certainly interesting if nothing else.

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><p><strong>I know I hardly have to ask for reviews anymore but never forget how much seeing your review in my mailbox means to me every week! <strong>


	4. April30th

**Thank you my usual reviewers!**

**Sheila Chiaroscura – Oh how I've missed your quotes! I'm glad you like the summery for Sweeney. I originally had that written for another story that never got finished, so I'm glad that I got to put it into use in this one too!**

**Burma – Ah the walking dead! My household is obsessed with that show. Personally, I hardly have time to watch much TV. And yay for Sweeney! Happy your still liking Ella's POV! It's fun!**

**Bellatrix Nellie Le-Lovett – Haha!Happy to hear you thought it was so perfect!**

**And hope you guys like this chapter! It's different. Instead of staying in Ella's journal, this is one she intends to tear out and give to Mrs. Lovett.**

**Chapter 4!**

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><p><strong>April 30th<strong>

Well…sitting back and really thinking about it…I mean truly…I can't find a reason why I've addressed all these other letters to you. And called them _love _letters? I just can't fathom. I don't mean that in a cruel way, it's simply true, I suppose. (well, you don't know. But I have been writing letters to you since you've welcomed me into your home) They're even more like just ordinary diary entries. Perhaps it's because I felt that I had to write them to someone…simply because I didn't know how else to write. I can't be for certain…it just sort of happened.

Well this letter is meant for you and written only for your eyes from the very beginning.

I'm used to letters not being addressed to anyone I mean, did you ever realize how you never wrote your letters to me with a _dear Ella_. As if, perhaps, it was just implied…or perhaps it was subtext. I'm not addressing this letter. It's implied and subtexted.

As you can probably already conclude…I'm stalling on the real reason I'm writing this and will be giving it to you. Simply as a fair warning, I'm going to be stalling for this whole letter. I'm purposely and consciously stalling because well…I'm still afraid of the rejection.

So I'll start from the beginning.

Over the years of living in the streets, I've become…well I've come to find myself a mighty good eavesdropper… let's not call it that, eh? Let's call me an…observer.

Observing helped me a lot when I was forced to live on the streets. It helped me find when no one was at a bakery shop but the doors remained unlocked, it helped me still know the basic gossip around town, and it kept me from losing my mind, because if I shut my eyes hard enough, maybe I could imagine that I was the one on the other side of that conversation - that I was someone worth talking to.

Anyway…I was looking for you earlier today. Simply searching. Toby smiled and told me you were upstairs with Mr. Todd, so I walked up the creaking steps and proceeded across the landing. Glancing in the window, I could easily make out you in the middle of the room, standing with your back to me, your hands on you hips, a rag in your hand for cleaning something or another and your head cocked slightly to the side. Mr. Todd remained by the window, with his right arm above his head and leaning against the panes and his left arm down with his fingertips stroking one of those razors he loves so much. I didn't want to intrude. So I listened. I observed.

"Wot is it you wanted to talk about, love?" you asked, and there was that subtext in your voice…I hear it every time you talk to him, it was so bloody obvious! _I love you I love you I love you…_haha, it made me giggle just to think about it.

Mr. Todd didn't move from his position…I think he feels a sense of dominance at that large window. A feeling like he could see everyone below and they couldn't see him. Eerily designed…truly, as if it was made for him. He said it all very bluntly, "Mrs. Lovett. This girl has been with you for over a month now. I demand to know why she's here and why the bloody hell she needs to stay…I'm growing tiered of your mind games…"

I resisted the urge to barge in the room and tell him off - I knew better after a month of you telling me about the sometimes crazed barber.

You scoffed, loudly and grotesquely. I could almost hear you roll your eyes. My mind flashed to something you had told me earlier this week _I do love him, darling. But sometimes he acts like a bloody child and that makes me barking mad, it does!_

"Mind games, eh? Notice how you said she is, _with me _not _with us…_Mr. T! I hardly see why it's all your business…" you turned abruptly toward the door and I ducked from the window…hoping you didn't see me. I heard some scuffling around on the hard wooden floor and through the wall I could still hear the muffled voices.

Mr. Todd…through gritted teeth, "It is as much my business as it is yours and you know that. The boys too bloody stupid but this girl…if she finds out anything I'll be sure that it's _her _who gets to watch you hang…"

My heart sank as I felt it begin to violently beat in my chest. My head was spinning and I hardly remember whether I was sitting or standing. I suddenly felt so sick that I didn't know anything…I managed to somewhat calm my confusion and peak through the window again, just my forehead…my eyes. It took some straining but I could see something to the right. Mr. Todd I think…holding you against the wall…was he…threatening you?

"Please…" you mumbled but your words were choked off by a sudden gasp. I wish I could see what he was doing…but I didn't have the bloody nerve to step into the room and try and stop him. Perhaps I was being a coward. Perhaps I was being brave by just remaining there. I heard more labored gasps. Was he choking you or holding something to your neck? I worried for a moment and then remembered something else you said _Oh who? Mr. Todd? Oh…never hurt a fly he would, seems ominous when you don't really know him…but he knows when he's gone too far with his games._

It honestly didn't relax me much.

"Lighten your bloody grip and maybe I could talk!" I heard you spit out. I watched as the barber slowly walked back over to his place at the window, without a glance back over at you. You took a loud deep breath.

The moment hung in the air for seemingly hours…full of words waiting to be said…tense and stale. Finally you muttered.

"She's mine, Mr. T…well not mine but…" I saw your tiered body contemplating sitting in the barber chair, but deciding against it. Eventually, Mr. Todd was the one to take up the offer for a little bit of relaxation. He sat on the chair spread out, legs apart, leaning back so his head rested on the back of the chair, his arms flowing over the arm rests and almost to the floor. Perhaps this was his way of saying that he was ready for the story that you were about to tell him. You always said that Mr. Todd has his own language.

Forgetting about everything that Mr. Todd and you said earlier, I got comfortable observing through that window and listened.

"You really don't remember, do you?" you muttered, shaking your head, your curls bouncing.

The barber threw a blank glance at you. Was that his - _Course not _?

You laughed bitterly. Bad day, I could tell. You weren't normally this cross with the barber. You were forgiving and easy to treat him like a suffering animal and cater to his every need.

"I was foolish to ever think that Benjamin Barker actually cared…"

I felt then that little pinch in my stomach that I shouldn't be listening…that I was hearing things I shouldn't be hearing.

"Perhaps you were!" Mr. Todd suddenly shot at you. Though not moving from his seat, still being threatening…

"I was pregnant Mr. Todd! Remember now? !" Haha! Direct as ever…

Silence…which, in part, is completely normal for Sweeney Todd, even I knew that. But also, even I could tell that this wasn't a normal Mr. Todd silence. Cause he wanted to say something…I could see it in his vacant eyes, some thought was there. It's like his harsh mind couldn't find a way to put it softly.

He muttered… "But…how? Your baby died…" so he remembered some…I heard you sigh and watched your feet drag each other a few more inches closer to him.

"Yeah Mr. Todd…she did…glad you remembered that much…" I failed in being able to tell if your words held the slightest bit of sarcasm in them or not…

"But this one is yours you say? How can his be?"

"It's true…" you choked out, but the barber cut you off before you could get anything out.

"So you went prostituting yourself around, eh?"

You closed your eyes and I heard a long sigh from your direction. It wasn't a sigh of frustration, you were back to your old understanding self, I could tell. It was a sigh of…god…I hate to tell this story.

And I hated to hear it, truly. But it was a scene I couldn't so easily pull away from.

"No…worse" your words floated to the ground in the silence you left…it echoed over and over again in my ear…_worse worse worse worse…_

"I did something even worse. I stole her from her family. And claimed her and raised her as my own…" you weren't one for crying much anymore…but after knowing you for so long… I could tell when you were holding back the many tears. "She never knew…but three years ago I told her…and she ran away in search of her family. Didn't find them, I suppose, for here she is…"

The gears were turning in the barbers head, I could see it even on his blank face. Well…that sure explained a lot, eh, Mr. Todd?

"She won't be any trouble…I promise yah that Mr. T. Just…let me keep my daughter. I'll keep that extra eye on her…"

I still didn't know what you were talking about…but I didn't care. Especially after what Sweeney mumbled next.

"She's not yours…yet you still love her, Mrs. Lovett?"

I sunk down on the wall, just hearing your voices now…listening through the brick wall…

"With all my heart Mr. Todd…unconditional love I gots for her…love no matter what…"

I'm glad I heard that little bit…the rest of the confusing and apparently secret-hiding conversation didn't matter to me…but that last sentence was all I needed to know that now…I have to tell you.

Toby came up right on cue to find me leaning against the cold brick. I told him I fell and he reached down his hand to help me up with that gentlemen smile of his. You walked out of the barber shop right as him and me were standing hand in hand, and you did nothing else but smile, wrap an arm around each of us, and walk us downstairs for supper.

Mum…you say you love me unconditionally… even though I'm not yours. I really hope you mean that. Cause as the tears are streaming down my face now as I write this…and your sleeping across the room in your bed. And I'm crying so violently but struggling to be silence as to not wake you.

I'll leave this note on your pillow for you to read straight away when you wake up. You say you love me and …I'm so utterly scared to write those two words because…as soon as I do…it's all too true and I can't deny it anymore and I can't hide it anymore…

I'm taking a deep breath now, and my stomach is flipping and flipping…and I feel sick again.

God, I hate this…

Mum…I'm pregnant.

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><p><strong>O.o<strong>

**well then...review!**


	5. May1st

**Sorry for not updating for litterly forever…I feel bad and I have no excuse except for pure laziness! *Hangs head in shame***

**Here you go my wonderful reviewers, who I hope are still out there! XD**

**Bellatrix Nellie Le-Lovettx2- I'm sure liking your Doctor Who exclamations! My person favorite is oh my fez! Sorry to keep you waiting so long now that I saw you reviewed twice! Here you go for an update finally!**

**And**

**Sheila Chiaroscura – So happy you liked the chapter too and are excited for the rest! Enjoy the read now!**

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><p><strong>May 1<strong>**st**

I didn't sleep at all last night. My mind was racing and my stomach was turning and I kept expecting you to wake up and find the note. So from the cot you had purchased me, I watched out the window as the sun came up and the birds started to sing. And I was still awake, facing the other way, when I heard you start to rustle and groan at the thought of getting out of bed. I heard you sit up and yawn quietly.

And I heard the crinkling and unfolding of the paper I left you.

I swear I held my breath for the whole amount of time you spent reading it. I counted the seconds in my head to keep myself quiet.

_1...2…3…4..._

_214..._I heard you shift back against your pillows, getting comfortable for the remainder of the read.

A few giggles or scoffs here and there as the scene you were reading played over again in your head.

_457..._A gasp…what did you read over? The _mum_? I knew you weren't at the end yet…Yes, I called you mum…I knew I had to now.

_490...491...492_...Dead silence. No scoffs. No more gasps. I think you even stopped breathing...

I stopped counting. Tears were streaming now and I was biting my lower lip so hard that I could taste the metallic taste of blood.

I wish I could hear what was racing through your head…I wanted so badly to turn around and see the look on your face. I could tell that your eyes were burning through me; I could feel the tickle in my spine that meant someone was watching me. I thought I perhaps heard my name in the wind again.

_Ella…_

How long did we both lay there, unaware of each other's awareness? Our minds both spinning, our stomach's both churning…our eyes both watering. It's strange…but laying there, facing the walls and pretending to be asleep, I felt…especially close to you. As though I knew that this was the moment that was going to change everything for us…I felt like I had this connection with you then that we've never had before, even when I was your Ella. Even when I dropped that title and lived nameless. Even when I came back and was welcomed as the nameless girl.

And…I heard you get up and shuffle over to me with your bare feet. I could feel you now standing over me…and I slowly turned onto my back to look into your eyes.

Your…face…so full of wonder and love and confusion and shock and hurt and shame and pride and uncertainty and happiness and hate and wonder and…I can't explain it. It doesn't help that it was getting harder and harder to see through my blurry-eyed vision.

And you looked down at me lying on my back with my eyes red and wet and my face flushed and moist and my fingers splayed across my stomach…

As if we both had the same idea at the same time, we sort of fell into each other's arms and I sobbed and sobbed…muttering out as much as I could through the heart-retching and choking tears… "I'm sorry mum, I'm sorry mum, I'm sorry mum…"

It was only a few minutes before I felt the pressure to let go growing in my back. I removed my tight grip that my arms had around you and threw myself back down onto the cot, almost…ashamed, I suppose…

"I'm sorry…" came my voice, muffled against the fabric… "I'm going barking mad…I'm sorry. Just…go open up your shop…"

I felt your warm hand on my shoulder, but I refused to look up.

"Darling…" hesitation spiked at the end of the word. I knew what stayed halted between your lips…you didn't want to upset me anymore then I already was but…I _did _call you mum. I want you to know that it's alright…whatever you want to call me is alright now.

"Ella…" you finally said it…I never realized how much I missed the sound of my own name…especially when you said it. "We are going to talk about this…the shop can wait…this is important…"

I sat up and pushed myself up so that my legs were hanging off of the other side of the cot…and my back was facing you.

"I don't want to talk about it. I simply needed to tell you…" a deep breath…it was still so hard to think about "…tell you about the baby…that's all…"

But I knew you weren't about to leave so easily. And you were at a loss for words…so after a few dead moments, I just went on. Saying whatever came to mind, saying what I've been holding back for four months now.

"Well what can I say? I thought I could do it! I thought one night, that's fine. And he promised me money. _Money! _I could buy food and fresh cold drinking water. Bread…I longed for the simple taste, _the smell even,_ of bread! So I said yes and it was all working out just fine…" I was bawling again now…I really am going mad… "And he even promised me a place to stay for the night! Then, right as the deal was happening, when he came in the room, I said no…" I turned around again and buried my face in my pillow "And I was feeling tiered suddenly and I tried to get up but…I couldn't…and I remembered the water he offered me earlier…and how eagerly I took it because I hadn't even seen water in what seemed like weeks…" The words were choked. I _hated_ that! I hate not being to talk while I cry!

"…and I…I don't remember it. I don't _want _to remember it! But now I'm pregnant and every day it's like a constant reminder of wot I did! And wot I got myself into! And I bloody hate it!

I don't want this baby! I can't handle it! I can't even sleep in a room alone. Remember when you asked me if I would like my own curtain hanging around my cot for some privacy? and I said no! All I want to do is sleep, but I can't sleep! And I'm having night terrors again but they're so much _utterly _worse than before. And if I have a curtain around me at night, I wouldn't be able to stand turning around when I wake up sweaty and gasping for breath and you not being there plain in my view…I can't trust anyone anymore, it took a month for me to work up the nerve to tell my own mother!" I motioned to you behind me, though we both knew that you'd never be my real mother…not even figuratively, anymore. My voice rose and I struggled to have the energy to stand up and pace like a stressed out animal. But I couldn't even find the strength in myself to do _that_. I was sobbing so harshly that I couldn't hardly breathe…I stopped paying attention to what you were doing about it all a long while ago…I almost didn't care anymore. My mind was racing too hard about other things…racing was even too slow of a word to describe it.

"I flinch every time Mr. T or even Toby come in the room, because I see a little bit of_ him _in every man that walks by! I feel so vulnerable in crowds that I'm full of utter anxiety and stress every time we go shopping, but no! I can't stay home alone because being alone scares the bloody life out of me too! Everything every day is wrong and I try to forget about it but I can't! Because I am such a bloody mess in life…I did everything wrong…I left home and I _prostituted _myself just for a couple pennies! And now I pay for it every bloody day in everything I see! I hate this! I can't _stand _this! I hate who I am! I hate this child! And I hate you! If it wasn't for you this wouldn't be happening to me!"

I threw myself back inside the cot, not caring who heard my yellings, not caring whose feelings I hurt, not caring if the stress was upsetting the baby, not caring that a lot of the horrible things I had just said about hating weren't true…I was just so full of…anger at myself. But I hated that and wanted to blame everyone else for it.

The permanent pain in my chest and my stomach from the sobbing…the vulnerability feeling…like someone always has their eye on me…just around the corner. The want to be loved…but the fear of being loved higher. Everything hurts…I'm not positive how else to describe it.

And you? My head was in a pillow so I couldn't see you…but I imagined you in my mind. Mouth open and wanting to say something…but completely unsure what…I don't know any more what can make me feel better. I seemed to have completely lost my sense of what's good for me and what's not…what kind of human interaction I need and what I don't. I don't _want_ any. Even your hugs make me tense…I can't trust anyone anymore and I knew it with every fiber of who I am…

"Ella…" your voice was sensitive and…slow. As if you knew that any one word could set me off again. "Love?" I could tell you wanted me to look at you…but you weren't about to make me do anything I didn't want to do.

After a few more long seconds of my sobs being the only sound in the room…I managed to look up at you. You grabbed my hand and squeezed it…and I struggled to tell my mind not to pull away.

You smiled…but I still wondered…could I trust it?

"We're going to make everything alright…eh?"

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><p><strong>And this is THE END OF PART FOUR!<strong>

**Wowy…I have been posting these stories FOREVER!**

**In order to make up for my prolonged absence, I'll be posting Love Letters To My Unborn Child II tonight also (see? See? See the connection there…ahh!) So go right now to my profile and find it!**


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